I've never posted a blog before, so I am hoping that this will work. Some of my friends think my voice needs to be heard and that this is a good forum for that.
Today is 9/11. A day of remembrance for the whole country. I remember watching the news in the morning when the first plane hit the Two Towers and not really knowing what was going on. I took a shower, and when I came out, the second tower had been hit. I took the kids to school, picked them up, and spent most of the rest of the time for the next several weeks watching tv, trying to understand what was going on.
I eventually had to stop watching, mostly because the kids were too upset. I go back and forth between being a news junkie. I like knowing what is going on, even if I can't do anything about it. To me, the knowledge gives me some power over my circumstances. But, there comes a time, especially in this day and age where we have information overload and the knowledge just becomes too much. Then, I tend to retreat from the news, not know what is going on. And, it's okay to not know everything that is going on everywhere, as long as I know what is going on that is important to me, which is mainly my family.
My husband of 24 years and I have three children. Two have flown the nest already, kind of, and one is still at home. It feels strange to go from a busy household of three children always needing my attention to one 16 year old son who only seems to need me for dinner and clean clothes, and even then, he's pretty self-sufficient and can fend for himself. Our oldest is in her second year of college and is becoming more and more independent. Our middle child has been in a residential school for over 5 years now because of his autism, and we are now starting the process for becoming his legal guardians when he turns 18 next year. He will never be able to truly "fly the nest".
I remember what it was like to be a stay at home mom to three active kids. It was not easy, and I never felt that I could really enjoy it since I was never really given a choice. I couldn't work. I wanted to be home with my kids, but I also never knew when my middle child would act up and I would have to pick him up from school, so I rarely could make plans or goals. Making it through the day sometimes was the only goal that I hoped to accomplish.
Soon after William went to the residential school, I found a part-time job that helped give me that self-identity again. I was no longer mom or wife, but administrative assistant. I worked there for over 4 years, and for the most part I enjoyed working there and learned a lot about team work, and just gained a sense of self. But, now that I'm no longer working again, it's been hard. I know that I'm putting a lot of responsibility on my already responsible husband. I'm turning 46 in a few days, and a part of me finds it silly that I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Do I want to go back to school? Get the house absolutely clean and organized? Lose the 40 pounds I need to lose to be healthy? Write a book?
Write a book is definitely started. I hope to start talking about it and promoting it more soon. Losing the weight is something I need to push myself more on, because it's hard for me to want to sweat. Cleaning? Organizing? Working on it, slowly. Goals and dreams. What are yours?
Jeanne
No comments:
Post a Comment